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So I’m stuck in the hotel room coz I had to do my CORS thingie. But hey.. thank God they have internet in the room finally.. whoot =P

All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered.

I’ve drained the last glass of whiskey in my room.. Yet like Minty, the pain just keeps coming back. She’s right… understanding and maturing makes justifying easier.. but it still hurts when you know you’re on the losing end. That something you wish for will never be.

It seems so uncanny that it should happen on this day. Just like last year. Just like…

So I’ll be flying off tomorrow my dear readers… and in the mean time here is a video of the gameplay coming in Starwars: The Old Republic for you to enjoy whilst I figure out how to snap pictures with my funky cam.

Link

Awesome.

How many flags are outside the windows in your estate? because I have only found 1.

Apathy? Anger? I think it is about time to realise that people are not happy. Not at all… The educated, the common layman. There is something amiss that everyone can feel, but it seems like all the ministers are doing are giving excuses and temporal patches to the problems while letting the feelings simmer.

I just pray that it the pot will whistle before it explodes.

I’ll cover my sleeping child.

Food for thought: our initial views on relationships and life in general are based on our experiance in our own homes. Our parents, our siblings.

There in lies my fears and expectations of my own relationships. My own ambitions. I have tried so hard to avoid becoming my father that I have forgotten how to become myself.

The past couple of weeks I have been acting out of character. Crying out for direction but sitting down with the old library com, I came to the epiphany that I was being shackled by my narrow view of what I don’t want to be but not what I want.

It was helen’s words that truly struck me, oh and the memories that came floating back to the surface of my mind.

True love. Twu wuv. Heh. I do believe in it. Pure, simple, love between 2 persons that will cause it’s fair share of heartache and joy. But that is the problem with believing in it. It’s impossibly hard to sit still and wait for it to come! My mum loves my dad very much. In the way that is self sacrificial and willing to endure anything. Even after all the pain he caused her she still misses him. But I could not, I do not miss his presence because… Well… Just because.

A, in her own way was a lot like my mum. She clung on to our relationship no matter how cold I was or how I broke her heart. But ultimately, I ended up falling into the trap. Becoming the person I loath the most. How and why? I think it’s because I realised I lacked power, though I do not seek it, I am the kind of person who can not be controlled without respect. So I snapped, lashing out with my clouded judgements that I was better than her. It’s only now that I realise why my father became the way he was and only now that I know how to avoid it.

I can and will achieve my own version of success. I believe that God has put wonderful people in my life to guide me on the right path. Each one teaching me a little more about myself and my place in the world. He has given me gifts… It just took me forever to realise the value of these lessons and now….

I have direction.

it all comes back to you.

The first time was painful.. but I lived through it… Now, through the blur of alcohol and smokey rooms… I still find myself hoping to catch a glimpse of your shadow as you walk through the door. Guilt, regret, sorrow.. it does not go away with the glasses. Not any more.

Am I a bad person? I hope not. I’m letting go of my principles and just going to do what feels good. Does that make me bad? I sincerely don’t know. We innately know right from wrong, what will hurt others and what will be loved by others. Yet we continue to allow the evil to manifest in our lives often at the cost of our sanity and soul. Can I live the rest of my years in purity? I doubt it. Should I continue fighting to retain what ever character I have left in this tattered soul while others overtake and tremple upon the sanctity of what is right and just? Or should I just climb above the others and take the fruit being offered.

If I do so, I do not want it to be of weakness but strength. Not of indifference but of conscious decision. Not coerced but of choice. I do so because I can justify it to myself.

But now, pride and character are all the more important in this black. Because they are all that makes me me…

I’ve been getting a little busy with catching up with reading and getting into the habit of learning something new every month. It sucks when my interests are pretty wide and I have the attention span of an emu. Not that I know how long an emu can stay focused, but… Nevermind.

Looking forward to my trip to the land of the rising sun. I feel like not travelling when I was younger robbed me of the chance to be a different person. At first I didn’t really know what the big deal about travelling was about but after the experience with T,A and P I’m craving for more. If only to not seem as noob as I was on that trip.

<3 the tree coming to sg soon. But I need to brush up on my poker skillz or she'll take all my clothes off ><.